Dispatch From the Front Lines of American Foolishness

So I gotta admit, I’m a little bummed that Bill O’Reilly has figured out our “very secret plan” to undermine Christmas and all it stands for. I mean, what’s the fun of having a very secret plan if some self-righteous do-gooder who has never done anything illegal or unsavory *cough* loofah *cough* is just going to come along and blow your cover?
It’s like we were talking about last week at our annual Secular Progressive Orgy of Smack and Sado-Sodomy (sorry you all missed this year’s SPOOSASS. It was pagantastic!). George Soros took me aside and said,
“Nathan, I’m concerned. O’Reilly’s on to us. If he spills the beans about the Very Secret Plan we’re sunk.” He then proceeded to snort a line of Peruvian off the thigh of a 12 year old Thai runaway with 666 tattooed on his bottom lip.
“George, ” I said, after drinking the blood of three virgins laced with Angel Dust from a goblet of pure gold, “Do you think I should release those photos of O’Reilly and Tucker Carlson to our liberal friends at the New York Times? I’d like to get them out of my house, if it’s all the same to you. I mean, I’m as permissive as anyone, but even I have my limits.” I shuddered at the mere memory.
“No,” said George. “Just sit tight, my young pale friend. We don’t play that kind of pool. And besides, once we do away with that accursed Christmas holiday, all our other evil schemes — universal health care, a moratorium on the death penalty, funding for school arts programs, advanced science education that is not polluted by mythology and superstition — they will ALL fall into place. And there will be NOTHING the Falafel Crusader can do about it!”
And then we cackled our most sinister cackle. And listened to a Madonna record. On vinyl. I think it was True Blue.

But in all due seriousness . . .
I swear to sweet baby Jeebus, if I hear one more sniveling asscrack blubber on about the goddamn War On Christmas I am going to vomit blood out of my eyes. I’m going to say this very slowly so even the hardcore “Christians” can understand it: No. One. Is. Trying. To. Take. Your. Christmas. Away. Got it? Noone. Christmas is safe for yet another year and you are free to say “Merry Christmas” or whatever your little heart desires, and no one will persecute you for it. I promise. Cross my heart. Okay?
Now take a deep breath and let that soak in. Sure, you already blew a bundle on your nifty magnetic bumper sticker courtesy of our friend BillO and his publishers, but let’s be honest. You don’t really want to cover up your Let’s Roll! and It Ain’t a Rag It’s a Flag and Kill A Queer For Christ stickers, do you? I mean THOSE are relevant 365 days a year. And besides, the bumper of that gas-gobbling SUV is gettin’ a mite crowded as it is.

Dog Bless Us Every One

I’m grabbing a few old posts from the old blog I thought were worth saving. New bloggy goodness soon.

*

Very pleased with this review from the Chicago Tribune -

In the Light of You

By Nathan Singer

Bleak House, $24.95

This visceral coming-of-age tale about 16-year-old lost boy Mikal Fanon is, on the surface, a straightforward and unapologetically brutal novel about the destruction that indoctrinated hate sows. But “In the Light of You” is one of those rare novels that works on numerous levels, and in addition to succeeding as a cautionary tale about intolerance and discrimination, it’s also a chilling exploration into the psyche of those involved in America’s racist underground, as well as an acerbic commentary on the overall depraved state of the planet’s (allegedly) most advanced species. (An example of Singer’s theory of devolution comes when he describes Klan members with “prehensile tails.”)

While the themes of racism versus multiculturalism pervade this story of a neglected white kid’s journey from living in a predominantly black neighborhood to joining a neo-Nazi group of thugs as a matter of survival, it’s the intriguing concept of the societal significance of those extraordinary individuals who generate their own cults of personality—like Mikal’s mentor Richard Lovecraft, the charismatic leader of the Fifth Reich—that is the story’s true driving force:

“There’s a select few people who give off a great, shining light. The rest of us can only bask, or burn, blistering, blinded, trying to dance in it . . . but at the end of the day, we’re all just giant moths compelled by the light.”

Blending the gratuitous violence of “A Clockwork Orange” and rhetoric of Adolf Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” with a surreal sense of naivete à la “The Catcher in the Rye,” Singer brilliantly utilizes contradictions to intensify thematic points in this savage and darkly poetic tale (like Mikal’s falling in love with a beautiful black activist). Ultimately, though, under all the shaved heads and swastika-tattooed flesh, “In the Light of You” is a story of redemption and the hope that it’s never too late to change: a person, a group, a community, or a civilization.
By Paul Goat Allen
July 19, 2008

New blog, y’all. The old one crapped out on me for some reason. I promise to have lotsa ill shit up here on a consistent basis, so stop on back real soon. Thank ye.